The 5 Stages of Aunt/Unctivities

 "What makes [someone] an Unc?" 

This turned out to be a pretty prolific question posed to me recently by a handsome but self-repudiating Unc. After conducting a week of what I call Church Pew Research (my own spin to Pew Research), I think I have a more robust understanding of why people are adorned with the titles "Auntie" and "Unc" by their younger counterparts, and - more specifically - what constitutes Auntvities and Unctivities.

1. Denial  

Age is the most concrete determinate of the status. There's a day between the ages of 35 and 40, on average, where you begin to morph into an Auntie or Unc. It starts with small things that lead up to one conclusive realization that you refuse to admit: I'm slick old AF

• You can't eat at the same places you used to. That Wendy's 4-for-4 leaves you in the bathroom for 44 minutes now. You don't attribute it to the food at first...but it becomes more-and-more apparent that it wasn't just a one-off, even after down-sizing from a Baconator combo to the Jr. Bacon Cheesburger combo.

• Most of the new music now is trash to you. Even if it's facts, it means you're old because you actually heed the facts. You don't know who Lil Rap Alphabet is, and that is FINE.

• You don't bounce back from hang-overs like you used to. Your joints sound like rice krispies when making normal motions. What did you go into the living room for again? Making a bunch of unnecessary noises every time you shift position is a cardinal sign. You don't even realize you making the noises until someone else points it out. After they point it out, you still can't stop making the noises, so now they're necessary noises. 

2. Annoyance 

Either EVERYTHING or NOTHING gets on your nerves. There is no in-between. The Aunties trend towards everything getting on their nerves, whereas the Uncs generally take a more insouciant view on life. 

• Piss an Auntie off, she's going to talk to the manager, the manager's manager, the man that was born in a manger, and the CEO. She's going to fill out the surveys on the receipts. She's going to do the things. Karens are just white Aunties with a dysfunctional amygdala.*

• Uncs don't care enough to get pissed off forreal. It's just protein powder and vibes. They will get riled up over financials, which probably explains why a lot of Uncs are painstakingly frugal - unless sports-betting is involved. Parlays and HSAs. 

• This dynamic is why a lot of Aunties and Uncs bump heads. Aunties want to change the things they cannot accept. Uncs want to accept the things they cannot change. Neither is right nor wrong. We're just finding ways to mend the tear between reality and nostalgia.

*not an enlarged medulla oblongata, as suggested by "The Waterboy"

3. Comfortable Clothing

You slowly start to trade or expand your wardrobe to include stylish comfort or comfort alone. The only red bottoms you want are some red Crocs. Women doing a double-take at animal prints like, "Hm, that's kinda nice," is BIG Auntie energy. Men seeing women in animal print like, "Hm, that's kinda nice," is BIG Unc energy. 

The clothing also needs to be functional. A cropped jacket is cute, but it's not stopping 32-American degrees from touching your body. Jordan 1s are not supporting the arches in your feet. Sweatsuits start calling your name like the Green Goblin mask.

But best believe when it's time to put that shit on, it gets put on: clothes, scents, and aura. 

4. Hobbies

As you get older, you tend to acquire some financial flexibility. This flexibility coupled with the need to maintain sanity pushes the Auntie/Unc into taking up more hobbies - either freely or forced.

• What is a forced hobby? Going to the doctor. All the doctors. For everything. Again: It starts with little signs. 

• Health becomes paramount. You probably have more people/pets to live for (e.g. spouse, children, nieces/nephews, your favorite bartender), so you move to looking at YOLO from the vantage point of longevity vs as a war-cry prior doing some life-truncating, stupid shit.

• Discussions about bowel movements and weird body changes start popping off in the group chat.

• The dentist, the optometrist, and the primary care doc are your Big Three. You go from despising going to the dr's office to asking how are their kids. 

• Freely adopted hobbies: Grilling. Gardening. Pilates (rich auntie type-shi). Juicing. Blending. Cigar lounges (rich unc type-shi). You enjoyed traveling in your 20s and early 30s, but now you travel the RIGHT WAY. All-inclusive resorts. Airport lounges. Five-star hotels. Spa days. You've come a long, long way from the Econo Lodge.

• Of note: The shoes worn when grilling absolutely dictate where you lie on the spectrum between Unc and OG.

5. Conditional Acceptance

Life be lifing, and you can't get that old thing back. 

Some people shun the idea of aging. They are repulsed by the thought of being called "Auntie" or "Unc." But why? If you aren't living, you aren't here. Personally, if it's an overt sign of respect, I embrace it. 

How I Paid Off 6 Figure Student Loans in Less than 6 Years

I haven't blogged in forever. Forever ever. FOREVER EVER. Allow me to re-introduce myself - my name is BROKE.


So you think you want to pay off your student loans?

There are SEVERAL factors to consider before taking on such a daunting task, such as:

• How much do you owe in loans?
• What is your debt-to-income ratio? 
• Does your current salary make paying your loans off a feasible idea? (haha. of course not!)
• Do you have dependents?
• What other bills take precedent?
• Are you able to give up avocado toast for a while? 

Here’s what I did to pay off my student loans - right or wrong, you decide. I’m merely writing this in hopes that you will do better than me & still accomplish your goals. I’ve included other tips, articles, and tidbits that may be valuable to you depending where you are on your journey. This only highlights MY experiences & MY journey through undergrad & graduate school. Sorry in advance.

High School:

I’m sure your college application list goes something like:  

1. *~*~*~*~*~*DREAM COLLEGE*~*~*~*~*~*
2. All
3. the
4. other
5. stupid
6. colleges
7. I
8. dont
9. care
10. about

That’s how mine went, anyway. 

Be open. Be flexible. I had my whole entire heart set on attending the University of Southern Mississippi after high school. I was even offered a partial scholarship. Alcorn State University offered me a full scholarship......and my parents begged me to take it. 

....attending Alcorn was [easily] one of the BEST DAMN DECISIONS I EVER MADE IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE. 

Take home: Be open. Be flexible. Apply for as many scholarships and grants as possible. Try the Scholly app (also available here: https://myscholly.com/#scholly) or https://www.scholarships.com/

The best way to reduce debt is to avoid it as much as possible in the first place.

Undergraduate/Graduate school:

You're currently in school and you feel the Debt Monster looming over you like a storm cloud over Eeyore. Oh, bother!

Listen... FOCUS ON SCHOOL. That is the best advice I can give in this situation. Put simply, it's difficult to tackle loan debt when you do not have a steady source of income. NETWORK. Networking is essential to acquiring the job you want/need.

Make sure you are setting yourself up for a job/career path that yields an income that will cover your current AND future debt.

Sorry so short!

Currently Working:

You've finished school. You've landed the job. Your current life situation allows you the option to pay off your loans. Now what?!

PRIORITIZING, PERSEVERANCE, AND PATIENCE

PRIORITIZING

1. Define "financial freedom" for yourself.

The definition differs per person. For me, it meant being completely debt free. Since I made it my number one priority, it was easier for the rest to fall in line.



2. Evaluate your debt.

When I started paying back my loans, I looked at my "debt-to-income" ratio to gauge where I was. I used a very non-scientific approach: If my debt-to-income ratio was above 1, I would aim to pay off my loans in 5-10 years. If my debt-to-income ratio was less than 1, I would aim for less than 5 years. Because mine were over 1, I ended up in the 5-10 year mark. Narrowed my personal goal into 6 years (why??? ...no clue). I calculated my monthly loan payment based on this goal.

2a. Learn how to calculate your interest rate (or use an interest rate calculator) to orient yourself to what your monthly payment should be.



3. Start paying early, if possible.

I started paying on my loans prior to the first scheduled payment. If you play your cards right - esp. if you anticipate making more than $80,000 a year, you can deduct up to $2500 of payments on your student loan interest on your taxes during the remainder of that year that you finish school. If you make more than 80K/year, you will not be eligible for this deduction (check anyway, though!).

3a. Learn how to do your own taxes. It helps. Even if using a company, you should know how taxes work at a minimum in order to maximize deductions and minimize chance of an audit.

PERSEVERANCE

4. Check your eligibility for the Public Service Loan Forgiveness (PSLF) program.

Although I did not qualify, I encourage all students to apply for the PSLF program once starting the first job after graduation - especially if employed by the government or a non-profit. The PSLF will forgive the remaining balance of your loans after 120 payments (10 years). The form can be found here. Be warned that there is a bit of risk with this program given the government can shut it down at any moment, but hey! Who needs sex when our government is constantly screwing us anyway???



5. Don't be afraid to venture outside of your comfort zone.

My first job out of pharmacy school was in a rural area. Many health-related professions will pay more for working in a rural area versus a more metropolitan one. I used this to my advantage. Not only do the jobs pay more, but the rent/living expenses are typically substantially cheaper than living in a city. Minimizing my living expenses and maximizing my pay allowed me to optimize my outcome.

Let me be the first to say - IT'S WHACK. My social life was on life support for a while. May have even slipped into asystole at one point, but you determine the sacrifices you're willing to make. For those unwilling to make such a sacrifice - which is completely understandable - at least get a roommate or stay with family, if possible.... Whatever it takes to reduce living expenses.



6. MAKE A BUDGET

Sucks, but it works. Meal prepping helps, too. The less you eat out, the better. I think cutting my shopping habit was the hardest thing 😩


7. Use any disposable income towards your loans.

Pretty straight forward. A majority of any tax refund or bonus from work I received went towards my loan payments.



8. If NOT eligible for PSLF, consider consolidating or refinancing!

There are pros and cons to consolidating/refinancing your loans. Consolidating your loans if you have multiple will usually give you a lower interest rate. I did NOT consolidate mine, though, because I liked "seeing" my progress. It was easier to tell when I paid off a loan, which kept me more motivated.

Refinancing is a great option. You may be able to lower your interest rate by half or more if refinancing to a private lender. FIND OUT OF THERE IS A DEATH DISCHARGE BEFORE REFINANCING. Federal loans have a death discharge - meaning your family is not responsible for paying back the loan in the event of an untimely death. Make sure you and your family are aware of the loan company's policy before refinancing. This is why it's a great idea to have a LIFE INSURANCE POLICY that covers the cost of your debt plus some for your family if you choose to go this route. This article goes into more depth on what happens to your loans when you die.



9. Dave Ramsey is THE MAN.

Once I finished paying my car, I used that as an additional student loan payment. It's called the debt snowball method. (Random: I named my car Snowball because 1. it's white, and 2. I knew this was what I was going to do once I paid it off).  There are other methods where you can target the largest debt first or the debt with the highest interest rate. No matter what method you choose, make it work for YOU. 

PATIENCE!

10. Give it time!!!

This was the hardest for me. I hate waiting. We're young. We like fast. The faster and furious-er, the better (except everything after Fast 7. I am TIRED of these movies now. RIP Paul Walker).

My debt seemed like it was going nowhere quickly. In reality, however, it was!!! Be ye steadfast. Debt, too, shall pass. There are a couple of things you can do in the mean time to brighten your outlook:

• LEARN HOW TO INVEST! Whether it's real estate or stocks or whatever else you decide. Even if you aren't able to invest how you would like right now - learn the ropes so you aren't lost once you're in a position to invest more (like I am currently). 
• Let me say I don't know SH*T about investing but I'm learning! So before anyone asks, I don't have the answers you need. LoL. Sorry. But:
• Start with books like The Motley Fool Investment Guide
• Stock apps like Robinhood and Acorns are good for getting your feet wet. Invest small amounts to see how the market works!

• SAVE! I should have mentioned this under the budget. You NEED an emergency fund. You can decide how much that should be, but I think at least $1000 is necessary to have on hand before taking on your debt. The more, the better though. Don't stop saving just because you feel your emergency fund is where it should be. I mean honestly....is there a such thing as too much???

The future is going to come regardless, whether you're prepared or not. 

I know it sounds sordid, but you'll be rewarded...

Be prepared. 

I am so lame sometimes.

YOU GOT THIS!!!

Of Hubris and Humility

They say you're supposed to marry your best friend... 

My best friend is currently married to another woman.

(Story time:)

2012: I was THE shit.

Fresh out of school with my doctorate degree, my doctorate money, my new car with my new rims, and my nice spot.

I was doing THE damn thing.

This state of mind trickled into my dating life. I mean.... I was the shit, bih. I was a "catch." Or at least I thought I was.

2013: I felt LIKE shit.

My doctorate degree came with doctorate student-loan debt and so did my car. Asteroid-size potholes attacked my rims; and my nice spot was (still is) in the middle of nowhere.

One of the more important events that took place within this year was my humbling experience...

At some point during the previous year, my male best friend and I were exploring the world of what we could be and do other than what we had been and done in years prior. It worked for a while, despite the substantial distance between us. Until he stopped calling. Cut me clean off - just like Brad Pitt's character did ol' girl's arm in World War Z. Just................gone. No forewarning, no notice, no nothing. It was exactly the same: The shock. The pain. The agony. The nothingness. The knowing that leaving whatever was there would eventually lead to necrosis or some tragic outcome, but being ill-prepared to live without.

After months on end of unrequited deeper interests (and phone calls and texts), I saw a pic one day on Facebook....or Instagram....whatever. Who knows, but I found out sometime around New Year's of

2014: He was back with his ex.

He left ME for a bih that worked at the local furniture store.

Not Ashley's.
Not Haverty's.
Not The Great gotdamn American Home Store.

A fucking LOCAL FURNITURE STORE.

There I was in all of my (self-proclaimed) glory being ditched for......her? 

My ego withered into damn near non-existence. A subatomic particle, at best. I did not realize it then, but seeing that photo was probably the best thing that could have happened to me at that point in time.

2015: I realized I wasn't shit.

I wasn't shit for thinking I was ever better than anyone just because I conquered my personal goals.
I wasn't shit for being materialistic.

I wasn't shit for assuming that this man should have been with me over any other woman, period, just because I was the shit in my own little reality.

I wasn't shit.

Sometimes, it takes realizing you aren't shit to motivate you to become a better person.

I would like to believe I changed for the better that year

In addition to my personal epiphany, my best friend and I managed to reconnect and mend our friendship. He claimed that pursing a relationship with his ex was a bad decision, but fate* saw fit to assist him with the bounce back from his failed relationship to finding the woman that is currently his wife.

The day he proposed to her was the equivalent of an emotional paper cut. Any drop of hyperinflated ego I had left bled out. So much for thinking I was deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher, flyer.

2016: Nirvana.

Hubris free. Blown away, like the flame of a candle, with only my dimly lit confidence remaining after the gale.

Deliverance came in the form of an answer to a Twitter inquiry: "Do you believe in soulmates?"

I've always heard the 3 common answers: (1) No, (2) Yes - there is one person on Earth that is your soulmate, or (3) Yes - there is a group of people in the world that you could "make it work with," all being considered "soul mates" of sorts. The answer that stood out to me, however, was from  @Quintiya, a fellow Alcornite:

"I don't think your soulmate necessarily has to be anyone you're in a relationship with. It could be a best friend."

Never thought of it like that.

I mean... Maybe everything is exactly how it should be. Honestly, my best friend is more of a Kal-El than a T'Challa, anyway. (No need for a cape, Future Bae; I don't need saving.) We've established a perfect symbiotic relationship over the past 10+ years; one where we are able to constructively criticize each other and still build for the better from it. He's undoubtedly made me a better person, and I thank him for it.

2022 update: Fuck him, too, though.

*Fate be trippin

The Matrix

Take a moment to watch this video:

http://wfla.com/2016/06/08/girl-15-commits-suicide-after-friends-share-nude-snapchat-video/

I do not have children; I do have a niece and nephews....but seeing that mother give her account of events broke me internally. Unfortunately, Tovonna is not the first and will not be the last teenager that will take her life over cyberbullying. There are studies that attribute half of suicides among youth to bullying.

IN MY OPINION (had to say it in caps for the readers in the byke):

Social media has altered reality for our younger generations, particularly those born during or after 1990 and especially those born in 2000 and beyond.

My generational counterparts (I was born in '86) were pretty much the internet and social media pioneers. From chat rooms, to MySpace, BlackPlanet, HighSchoolClub, and the ground-breaking Facebook, we've been around long enough to see social media transform from an internet past-time for us into an almost necessity for our younger brothers/sisters/children/nieces/nephews/cousins.

That transformation from recreation to an activity of daily living is due to advancements in technology: going from iPods and Zunes and digital cameras and desktop computers with dial-up internet connection and the little AOL man slowly running across our full-body computer screen to our current handy-dandy iPhones and Android phones that do all of the above.

Now, with all of those multi-faceted outlets merged into one, convenient, pocket-sized (unless you have a Galaxy Note... Pretty confident you can play Twister on that thing) tool, each subsequent decade of teenagers have taken items once used to pass time and sewn it into the fabric of their lives.

Today's teenagers have the world at their fingertips. With instantaneous information at their disposal, they could be the smartest (and who am I say to say they aren't already or will not be) generation to have ever walked this Earth. HOWEVER........

They are also the most vain. They will do whatever it takes to get attention, solicit a laugh, or attain popularity from an UNSEEN INTERNET AUDIENCE. Self-esteem has given way to self perception that is dependent upon the number of likes on Instagram or retweets on Twitter; narcissism manifested by lip-syncing the hot song of the moment with a fully beat face; and feeling like a reality TV show star on Periscope or YouTube.

Not only that, they are unable to articulate themselves. All of their thoughts are noted in 140 characters or less. All of their conversations truncated into 8 second SnapChat videos.

That being said, I came across this tweet a few months ago that stemmed from an event unrelated to Tovonna's case:

It upset me because it is that deep for many of these kids now. Bullying has morphed into something totally different than it was for us growing up, but a lot of us refuse to believe it. I don't necessarily expect folks that grew up playing Duck Hunt to readily accept that....and certainly not the Pong and prior peoples.  The same way technology and media outlets have evolved, so have bullies.

A teenager seeking attention via social media + being a bully = a child willing to humiliate another child not just on the school ground, but online for the WORLD to see.

A teenager seeking attention via social media + receiving the "wrong" attention from internet bullies = a child that now feels ostracized/humiliated not only by the children around him/her, but (in his/her eyes) by the entire WORLD.

It is SO different now. Tovonna was unknowingly video taped by her "close-friend" who subsequently posted the video to SnapChat.... All to solicit a laugh, I'm sure.

These teenagers also use social media to vent their frustrations to the same unseen internet audience that they attempt to appease. It's most disturbing when the line is crossed from venting to doing the unthinkable. Recently, a French teenage woman (19) decided to broadcast her suicide live on Periscope (not due to cyberbullying, but possibly from an alleged rape). Prior to jumping in front of an on-coming train, she fielded questions from her internet audience, discussing her decision to end her life. It saddens me that she decided to take her life, but it's a scary precedent that may have been set for other teenagers (or adults) seeking to do the same.

How do we combat what has become a mainstay for these children? Denying them access to social media is arguably pointless because access is everywhere...or it will only make them go extra lengths to get on ...or generate disdain towards your refusal. Even if you keep an open line of communication with the child(ren) in your life, you can only hope it's effective.

How do we unplug millions of teenagers from this Matrix that exists?

"Happily Ever After..."

Disney fucked me up.

Well...not just Disney, but fairytales in general. They fucked up my generation.

Besides them teaching girls to look past the physical and accept a man for who he is - despite whatever he did to deserve his consequence (ex. Beauty & the Beast), and teaching boys that they will always get or deserve the pretty princess in the end, there is this matter of the "Happily Ever After..."

It's not that I believe a Happily Ever After is not achievable. What I do believe is that we have completely romanticized the idea of what it really consists of...

We have this notion that "Happily Ever After" is supposed to be our favorite meal and our favorite outfit with the love of our life and our perfect kids all living our perfect lives with Kanye's "Good Life" as the soundtrack day in and day out.

Nah, fam.

It's more like leftovers paired with these-are-the-only-clothes-I-have-that-have-been-washed plus I-guess-I'll-tolerate-this-asshole-for-a-little-while-longer with an infinite playlist of church songs or positive music playing in the background that kicks off with Hezekiah's "I Need You to Survive" or Kendrick's "It's Gone Be Alright."

Yeah.

That.

THAT is what "Happily Ever After" really is. It's being on the spectrum of alright. It does not mean that every day is perfect or happy. It means that we are in a place where we can appreciate the good things that DO occur, even if they seem to happen less often than they did at the apex of alright.

Yeah... 

That.

"Colorblind"

"I DON'T SEE COLOR" - self-proclaimed non-racist white person's proverb.

This phrase bothers me SO MUCH.
Maybe because it's an enigma. I don't understand how a person can not see color. Even the vast majority of medically colorblind people can distinguish between colors on a limited spectrum.

Although I believe most people that use the colorblind phrase say it from a "good" place - implying that they treat everyone the same - it really serves no benefit to anyone other than the on-looker to white-wash everyone. To not see color is to disregard the race/ethnicity of the people you interact with. How incredibly problematic. It translates to, "I can only respect wholly people that look like me."

Unfortunately, I only saw the world in black-and-white for a majority of my life. Growing up in rural Mississippi, I wasn't exposed to much ethnic diversity (socioeconomic, either, but another story for another day). My high school graduating class was almost exactly 50% white and 50% black, so maybe what bothers me is when I see some of the people from my hometown say this.

The kicker
We had black and white homecoming maids.
We had black and white class favorites. The ballots were divided in to white boys, white girls, black boys, black girls
Our proms were segregated.

They did not integrate prom at my high school until 2007.

No BS. This was really going on. I graduated in 2004. When I tell friends about my high school experiences, it sounds more like I graduated in 1964.

People were discussing the after effects of Jim Crow while we were still fucking living it! Amazing!

How could someone that I attended this high school with not see the clearly demarcated racial lines drawn between us?

Granted, I saw them then, but not as boldly as I do now. How could the school system allow such atrocities to take place unless they WANTED it. There were forces at work that my adolescent brain could not comprehend until now. I knew that it wasn't right, but it was our norm.

*aside: These "forces" are the reason I believe #JonathanSanders - an unarmed black man that was choked to death by a white police officer in my home county - will not recieve the justice he deserves. I encourage you to read his story*

We were being conditioned to see "Separate, But Equal" as okay. Everything back then was categorized:

"You're my best WHITE friend"

"He hoops pretty good for a WHITE boy"

"She's smart for a BLACK girl"

"BLACK guys don't dress like that"

etc.. 

Beyond thankful to get out and become slightly cultured. To this day, I still want to divide and categorize races, but now that I'm cognizant of it, I attempt to do a better job of not doing so.

The whole "I don't see color" thing makes me think of one line from the Charleston AME mass murderer's manifesto:

"Black people are racially aware almost from birth, but White people on average dont think about race in their daily lives...."

I actually agree. You're less inclined to be aware of something - in this case, race, if it does not negatively affect you or change how you approach certain situations (e.g. being pulled over by a police officer).

Do not choose to be unaware. Acknowledge that you can see race. Embrace what you see. Do not let it affect how you treat them. Maybe then, we can become a nation where people are truly judged by the content of their character and not the color of their skin.

I Only Date Superheroes! ....NOT: Mr. Good Shit

I am not a shallow person. I will at least entertain a guy that is not physically "my type."

*cue Mr. Good Shit*

Went to a bar one night during the NBA Finals to watch the game. A guy sat down next to me, ordered his drink, and asked me how the game was going.

"It's kinda fucked up." - me.

He laughed and proceeded with the "Get To Know You" questions: What's your name? Where are you from? What do you do? And so on...

He was in his early-30s (retracted several details) working towards his doctorate.

Nice.

Wasn't my type physically, but you know...don't judge a book.

We exchanged numbers before I left the bar. Went out a couple of times. Had a coffee shop discussion about the state of the world, our young black counterparts, personal histories, and such. 'Twas quite pleasant. *+1 for the ugly dudes*

The next time we went out was to celebrate an award he received in his program. Told him drinks were on me. 

Met at the restaurant. Everything was going well until he randomly interjected into the coversation, "It's been over 45 minutes, and you haven't cursed."

Me: "Oh....? You've been timing it?"

O, how pissed I was! Mostly because he should have stated that he disliked my use of profanity... Partially because when we first met, my first sentence to him included the past tense of "fuck," but he still decided to ask for my number. Out of respect, I would have made a valiant attempt to censor my language.

Whatever the case, I gave him a 5 minute grace period and then went THE. FUCK. IN.

After a few minutes of profanity laced dialogue from me, he made another snarky comment about my language. I ignored it and salvaged the remainder of time we spent together.

The check came...

Yes, I told him the drinks were on me before we went out that day. However, we had ordered food as well. So. The check sat between us for a few awkward moments... Not really certain how long it was. All I do remember is that this man did not make a move toward it at all. He did not acknowledge its presence. I don't think he even flinched.

Let it be known: I had no issues with picking up the check in its entirety. There is something unattractive, however, about a man not attempting to take the initiative to at least offer to cover his part.

I spared him, and paid the check. Closing ramblings followed, along with a departing hug, and a subsequent decline in contact after that date. Our regular conversations dissipated into highly infrequent "Hey, how are you?" texts from one party and a non-response from the other.

Then one day post a "Hey, how are you?" text, he hit me with the "Send me a pic" text. Busy at work that day, I looked down at my phone in mild confusion as to why he wanted a picture of me after all of the random bs we seemed to subject each other to (e.g. my profane language, his broke-ass tendencies). My debate on whether I should send him a picture or not was cut short by my work duties, which ultimately decided for me that this was not the appropriate time.

Two hours after I got off work, he texts me the ellipsis (...); in this case, it stood for "Whassup with that pic tho?"

I resolved to send him a pic from Facebook. We weren't FB friends. It was my profile pic, so obviously I thought I was cute in it.

This negro responds, "Keep going"

Okay... At this point I have confirmed my suspicions that he is hoping for a provocative photo. An intrepid negro, he was. I deflected and told him we could trade a pic for a pic. Seemed fair enough.

He sent me a pic.

The picture highlighted all of the things that made him physically unattractive to me. My eyes cringed.

To save face, I told him it was a nice picture (referring to the megapixels and overall picture quality), and I was sleepy and that we would have to continue another day. Here, "I'm sleepy" served as a euphemism for ".....eww." I just knew this was an acceptable cop-out. I was trying to be as cordial as possible.

BUT NO! This is the response I received:

"Stop playing. I know you got some good shit in yo phone."

*record scratch*

FIRST OF ALL^*

*universal foreward to "reading" a person; the overture to a song you do not want to be the subject of; I had to lean into the computer when I typed this because this section is dedicated to Mr. Good Shit

YOU DID NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THE FIRST PICTURE I SENT YOU. 
The picture I sent you was "good shit," and you failed to compliment or even comment on it. Matter-of-fucking-fact, if we have not had sex and/or are in a relationship, any picture I send you is a good fucking picture as far as you need to be concerned, Mr. Good Shit.
If I send you a picture in a baptismal robe, you need to tell me I look like an angel.
If I send you a picture of me in prison, you need to tell me I would make a cute inmate on OITNB.
If I send you a picture of me in the hospital with an IV in my arm, you need to tell me I look strong and that I'm going to pull through.

WAS THE PICTURE YOU SENT ME YOUR GOOD SHIT???
You shaped like a souffle.
You should be casted as Spongebob in the biopic of his life.
You look like you belong on a pottery wheel.
You look like a loaf of banana bread. Yeast face ass.
And you have the balls and the gall to tell me you know I have some good shit in my phone? Oh okay...
If that was your good shit, you didn't deserve the picture I sent you in the first place.


However, I KNOW I'm not the same venomous bitch I once was because I did not send any of that to him. I simply responded with:


Yes, I do. Good night.



Thank God for growth.
Part of me hopes he reads this blog post, though.