Of Hubris and Humility

They say you're supposed to marry your best friend... 

My best friend is currently married to another woman.

(Story time:)

2012: I was THE shit.

Fresh out of school with my doctorate degree, my doctorate money, my new car with my new rims, and my nice spot.

I was doing THE damn thing.

This state of mind trickled into my dating life. I mean.... I was the shit, bih. I was a "catch." Or at least I thought I was.

2013: I felt LIKE shit.

My doctorate degree came with doctorate student-loan debt and so did my car. Asteroid-size potholes attacked my rims; and my nice spot was (still is) in the middle of nowhere.

One of the more important events that took place within this year was my humbling experience...

At some point during the previous year, my male best friend and I were exploring the world of what we could be and do other than what we had been and done in years prior. It worked for a while, despite the substantial distance between us. Until he stopped calling. Cut me clean off - just like Brad Pitt's character did ol' girl's arm in World War Z. Just................gone. No forewarning, no notice, no nothing. It was exactly the same: The shock. The pain. The agony. The nothingness. The knowing that leaving whatever was there would eventually lead to necrosis or some tragic outcome, but being ill-prepared to live without.

After months on end of unrequited deeper interests (and phone calls and texts), I saw a pic one day on Facebook....or Instagram....whatever. Who knows, but I found out sometime around New Year's of

2014: He was back with his ex.

He left ME for a bih that worked at the local furniture store.

Not Ashley's.
Not Haverty's.
Not The Great gotdamn American Home Store.

A fucking LOCAL FURNITURE STORE.

There I was in all of my (self-proclaimed) glory being ditched for......her? 

My ego withered into damn near non-existence. A subatomic particle, at best. I did not realize it then, but seeing that photo was probably the best thing that could have happened to me at that point in time.

2015: I realized I wasn't shit.

I wasn't shit for thinking I was ever better than anyone just because I conquered my personal goals.
I wasn't shit for being materialistic.

I wasn't shit for assuming that this man should have been with me over any other woman, period, just because I was the shit in my own little reality.

I wasn't shit.

Sometimes, it takes realizing you aren't shit to motivate you to become a better person.

I would like to believe I changed for the better that year

In addition to my personal epiphany, my best friend and I managed to reconnect and mend our friendship. He claimed that pursing a relationship with his ex was a bad decision, but fate* saw fit to assist him with the bounce back from his failed relationship to finding the woman that is currently his wife.

The day he proposed to her was the equivalent of an emotional paper cut. Any drop of hyperinflated ego I had left bled out. So much for thinking I was deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher, flyer.

2016: Nirvana.

Hubris free. Blown away, like the flame of a candle, with only my dimly lit confidence remaining after the gale.

Deliverance came in the form of an answer to a Twitter inquiry: "Do you believe in soulmates?"

I've always heard the 3 common answers: (1) No, (2) Yes - there is one person on Earth that is your soulmate, or (3) Yes - there is a group of people in the world that you could "make it work with," all being considered "soul mates" of sorts. The answer that stood out to me, however, was from  @Quintiya, a fellow Alcornite:

"I don't think your soulmate necessarily has to be anyone you're in a relationship with. It could be a best friend."

Never thought of it like that.

I mean... Maybe everything is exactly how it should be. Honestly, my best friend is more of a Kal-El than a T'Challa, anyway. (No need for a cape, Future Bae; I don't need saving.) We've established a perfect symbiotic relationship over the past 10+ years; one where we are able to constructively criticize each other and still build for the better from it. He's undoubtedly made me a better person, and I thank him for it.

2022 update: Fuck him, too, though.

*Fate be trippin

The Matrix

Take a moment to watch this video:

http://wfla.com/2016/06/08/girl-15-commits-suicide-after-friends-share-nude-snapchat-video/

I do not have children; I do have a niece and nephews....but seeing that mother give her account of events broke me internally. Unfortunately, Tovonna is not the first and will not be the last teenager that will take her life over cyberbullying. There are studies that attribute half of suicides among youth to bullying.

IN MY OPINION (had to say it in caps for the readers in the byke):

Social media has altered reality for our younger generations, particularly those born during or after 1990 and especially those born in 2000 and beyond.

My generational counterparts (I was born in '86) were pretty much the internet and social media pioneers. From chat rooms, to MySpace, BlackPlanet, HighSchoolClub, and the ground-breaking Facebook, we've been around long enough to see social media transform from an internet past-time for us into an almost necessity for our younger brothers/sisters/children/nieces/nephews/cousins.

That transformation from recreation to an activity of daily living is due to advancements in technology: going from iPods and Zunes and digital cameras and desktop computers with dial-up internet connection and the little AOL man slowly running across our full-body computer screen to our current handy-dandy iPhones and Android phones that do all of the above.

Now, with all of those multi-faceted outlets merged into one, convenient, pocket-sized (unless you have a Galaxy Note... Pretty confident you can play Twister on that thing) tool, each subsequent decade of teenagers have taken items once used to pass time and sewn it into the fabric of their lives.

Today's teenagers have the world at their fingertips. With instantaneous information at their disposal, they could be the smartest (and who am I say to say they aren't already or will not be) generation to have ever walked this Earth. HOWEVER........

They are also the most vain. They will do whatever it takes to get attention, solicit a laugh, or attain popularity from an UNSEEN INTERNET AUDIENCE. Self-esteem has given way to self perception that is dependent upon the number of likes on Instagram or retweets on Twitter; narcissism manifested by lip-syncing the hot song of the moment with a fully beat face; and feeling like a reality TV show star on Periscope or YouTube.

Not only that, they are unable to articulate themselves. All of their thoughts are noted in 140 characters or less. All of their conversations truncated into 8 second SnapChat videos.

That being said, I came across this tweet a few months ago that stemmed from an event unrelated to Tovonna's case:

It upset me because it is that deep for many of these kids now. Bullying has morphed into something totally different than it was for us growing up, but a lot of us refuse to believe it. I don't necessarily expect folks that grew up playing Duck Hunt to readily accept that....and certainly not the Pong and prior peoples.  The same way technology and media outlets have evolved, so have bullies.

A teenager seeking attention via social media + being a bully = a child willing to humiliate another child not just on the school ground, but online for the WORLD to see.

A teenager seeking attention via social media + receiving the "wrong" attention from internet bullies = a child that now feels ostracized/humiliated not only by the children around him/her, but (in his/her eyes) by the entire WORLD.

It is SO different now. Tovonna was unknowingly video taped by her "close-friend" who subsequently posted the video to SnapChat.... All to solicit a laugh, I'm sure.

These teenagers also use social media to vent their frustrations to the same unseen internet audience that they attempt to appease. It's most disturbing when the line is crossed from venting to doing the unthinkable. Recently, a French teenage woman (19) decided to broadcast her suicide live on Periscope (not due to cyberbullying, but possibly from an alleged rape). Prior to jumping in front of an on-coming train, she fielded questions from her internet audience, discussing her decision to end her life. It saddens me that she decided to take her life, but it's a scary precedent that may have been set for other teenagers (or adults) seeking to do the same.

How do we combat what has become a mainstay for these children? Denying them access to social media is arguably pointless because access is everywhere...or it will only make them go extra lengths to get on ...or generate disdain towards your refusal. Even if you keep an open line of communication with the child(ren) in your life, you can only hope it's effective.

How do we unplug millions of teenagers from this Matrix that exists?

"Happily Ever After..."

Disney fucked me up.

Well...not just Disney, but fairytales in general. They fucked up my generation.

Besides them teaching girls to look past the physical and accept a man for who he is - despite whatever he did to deserve his consequence (ex. Beauty & the Beast), and teaching boys that they will always get or deserve the pretty princess in the end, there is this matter of the "Happily Ever After..."

It's not that I believe a Happily Ever After is not achievable. What I do believe is that we have completely romanticized the idea of what it really consists of...

We have this notion that "Happily Ever After" is supposed to be our favorite meal and our favorite outfit with the love of our life and our perfect kids all living our perfect lives with Kanye's "Good Life" as the soundtrack day in and day out.

Nah, fam.

It's more like leftovers paired with these-are-the-only-clothes-I-have-that-have-been-washed plus I-guess-I'll-tolerate-this-asshole-for-a-little-while-longer with an infinite playlist of church songs or positive music playing in the background that kicks off with Hezekiah's "I Need You to Survive" or Kendrick's "It's Gone Be Alright."

Yeah.

That.

THAT is what "Happily Ever After" really is. It's being on the spectrum of alright. It does not mean that every day is perfect or happy. It means that we are in a place where we can appreciate the good things that DO occur, even if they seem to happen less often than they did at the apex of alright.

Yeah... 

That.