Mind you, all of the responses were from black people either spitting second-hand info on why these men do not approach black women or making assumptions about what these non-black men think. Soooo.....nothing was accomplished.
In a moment of clarity, I realized I hadn't known how to accept a compliment at face value until within the past year or two. And now to ineffectively segue into something completely different than what you inferred this blog would be about:
It would be more appropriate to say I didn't know how to internalize compliments rather than I didn't know how to accept them. (IMO, this is an issue common to women in general.....not solely black women) Accepting the compliment was actually the simple part:
"Thanks! :)"
Afterwards was always weird tho. I'd spend the next few minutes attempting to decipher the nature of the compliment instead of going on with my damn life.
- "Was he/she serious?"
- "What motivated him/her to say it?"
- "Does he like me because he said it?"
- "Was he/she saying it to be funny?"...and a hunnit more questions.
I've probably spent a collective year or two analyzing dumb shit. Too bad they don't award an Associate of Science in Analytical Dumb Shit.
My tendency to over-analyze sometimes attests to my insecurities.
Life experiences breed insecurities.
Growing up as super ultimate tomboy of the world, I gave nil fucks about how I looked. In high school, I started to care a little. Not enough to dress a certain way to fish for those compliments, though. I didn't require them...not as far as looks were concerned, anyway. Being the "pretty girl" wasn't a part of my social identity. I was the token tomboy/nerd at the cool table. I was mommy's future doctor - not her future model. Getting complimented on grades or some sports achievement was all I ever needed.
There are a few different instances that reiterated my role at school was not being the pretty one. I shall spare the details because it sounds a whole helluva lot more depressing saying it out loud than how I perceived it when it happened.
To transition from being thought of by others in that specific mindset to being referred to as some synonym of pretty was quite fucking weird. There would be an "Oh. Okay." moment.
I was especially taken aback when my
- "Was he serious?"
- "What prompted him to say that?"
- "Is he being funny?"
This was brand new to me. That wasn't how I visualized myself. So hell yea, I had qualms about the statement.
If I wasn't already confused about my perception of myself as well as others perception of me (re-worded: as if I wasn't already lacking confidence), let's throw in the non-compliment of ALL compliments:
"You're cute to be dark-skinned."
Fuck you.
And my other favorite:
"I like your gap. It's cute."
That shit makes me want to make an appointment to Invisalign the fuck outta my teeth tomorrow. Even if the guy is being adamant... I still feel that way.
Though my self-growth was stunted for a while, I went on this self-discovery trip and figured out how to be confident despite my aesthetic - and internal - flaws. It was fucking awesome.
Stop digging for answers to compliments. They're not questions. It's someone acknowledging that they like what they see.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
(But fuck that "I like your gap" shit.)