Black Women Can't Take a Compliment

My title stems from a response to a question posed on Facebook about why it seems like white men and men of other races do not approach black women.
Mind you, all of the responses were from black people either spitting second-hand info on why these men do not approach black women or making assumptions about what these non-black men think. Soooo.....nothing was accomplished.

In a moment of clarity, I realized I hadn't known how to accept a compliment at face value until within the past year or two. And now to ineffectively segue into something completely different than what you inferred this blog would be about:

It would be more appropriate to say I didn't know how to internalize compliments rather than I didn't know how to accept them. (IMO, this is an issue common to women in general.....not solely black women) Accepting the compliment was actually the simple part:

"Thanks! :)"

Afterwards was always weird tho. I'd spend the next few minutes attempting to decipher the nature of the compliment instead of going on with my damn life.

• "Was he/she serious?"
• "What motivated him/her to say it?"
• "Does he like me because he said it?"
• "Was he/she saying it to be funny?"...and a hunnit more questions.

I've probably spent a collective year or two analyzing dumb shit. Too bad they don't award an Associate of Science in Analytical Dumb Shit.

My tendency to over-analyze sometimes attests to my insecurities.
Life experiences breed insecurities.

Growing up as super ultimate tomboy of the world, I gave nil fucks about how I looked. In high school, I started to care a little. Not enough to dress a certain way to fish for those compliments, though. I didn't require them...not as far as looks were concerned, anyway. Being the "pretty girl" wasn't a part of my social identity. I was the token tomboy/nerd at the cool table. I was mommy's future doctor - not her future model. Getting complimented on grades or some sports achievement was all I ever needed.

There are a few different instances that reiterated my role at school was not being the pretty one. I shall spare the details because it sounds a whole helluva lot more depressing saying it out loud than how I perceived it when it happened.

To transition from being thought of by others in that specific mindset to being referred to as some synonym of pretty was quite fucking weird. There would be an "Oh. Okay." moment.

I was especially taken aback when my best male friend who isn't good enough of a friend to CALL anymore labeled me as "sexy" for the first time.

• "Was he serious?"
• "What prompted him to say that?"
• "Is he being funny?"

This was brand new to me. That wasn't how I visualized myself. So hell yea, I had qualms about the statement.

If I wasn't already confused about my perception of myself as well as others perception of me (re-worded: as if I wasn't already lacking confidence), let's throw in the non-compliment of ALL compliments:

"You're cute to be dark-skinned."

Fuck you.

And my other favorite:

"I like your gap. It's cute."

That shit makes me want to make an appointment to Invisalign the fuck outta my teeth tomorrow. Even if the guy is being adamant... I still feel that way.

Though my self-growth was stunted for a while, I went on this self-discovery trip and figured out how to be confident despite my aesthetic - and internal - flaws. It was fucking awesome.

Stop digging for answers to compliments. They're not questions. It's someone acknowledging that they like what they see. 

Nothing more. Nothing less. 

(But fuck that "I like your gap" shit.)

There's nothing more therapeutic than sharing my insecurities with the world wide web. Be blessed!

The Butterfly Effect

Doing this from my phone so please excuse any grammatical errors in advance.

I've come to the conclusion that most negro males undergo a spontaneous metamorphosis from ho-nigga* to husband.
*ho-nigga: lowest form of eukaryotic organisms; an egregiously promiscuous male

There is no trigger (hence the word "spontaneous"). There is no "Aha!" moment. And I apologize, but you women that are convinced your man "changed for me" are WRONG. You may have been present DURING his evolution, but I promise you many-a-good-bitches went through the struggle before your man got to where he is today.

The ho-nigga goes along, performing his day to day ho-nigga activities. He can be found at your local bar/club - his natural habitat - or even at church. He is generally a nocturnal creature that thrives on "pulling bitches."

The more advanced ho-niggas are those that "look good on paper." He has a decent job, a vehicle, an apartment or house, a degree, good hygeine, and other things that look good on a relationship resumé. He has mastered the art of making each of his female friends feel special, to the point where they begin to develop feelings for the ho-nigga and even have thoughts that the better they treat the ho-nigga, the more likely they are to be promoted to being in a real relationship with him.

Quite the contrary! The ho-nigga uses these misconstrued feelings to his advantage. He is able to elicit different things from each of his different females - whether it be fellatio or fitted caps. On average, the ho-nigga fucks over at least 13 good, high-quality women before his metamorphosis occurs.

Then one day, the ho-nigga awakens and says, "Fuck all this shit. I'ma do right by the next female I meet."

And voilá. Magic.

Greek Daze

It's time to enlighten the wannabes on why it is NOT appropriate to proclaim the Black Greek Letter Organization they are GOING to join.

Too often for comfort, I see retweets of chaps (various ages) on Twitta that read, "I'm going to pledge (insert BGLO here)!" followed by slews of angry, verbal torch carrying members of BGLOs Chris Browning the fuck out of that poor chap's mentions.

It makes me feel some type of way.

Age plays a big part in who I think deserves blame. For those children 16 and under, I blame the adult BGLO member(s) in their lives. For those older - particularly those in college - I blame THEM. At that point, they are toofuckingold NOT to know.

Disclosure/discretion:

Believe it or not, there is a legit reason greeks become irate about people publicly saying "I am GOING to be apart of your org."

1. It's haughty to state your future entrance into something that you have to be CHOSEN and seen fit to become a member. There are (let me rephrase...SHOULD be) criteria to meet before joining. At the minimum, there is a GPA requirement, and prospects should be able to bring something to the table to uphold or better the chapter.
Looking at the quantity some of these lines.......some national boards make me wonder if they give a damn about a person's character versus his/her bank account. Fitting segue into numero dos.

2. Let's talk money. Membership is NOT cheap. Many prospects have to scrap to collect the amount necessary to cover membership fees (not to mention other miscellaneous costs, e.g. outfits, shoes). It humbles a muhfucka when they have to wait 3 years to join an organization because they did not have the finances to do it the first time around.

3. There is a PROCESS to undergo. Prospective members spend a significant amount of time learning history of the organization and participating in brother/sister hood building activities. This is time that could very well be spent doing other things. It's a sacrifice.


THE BLAME GAME:

As stated earlier, I blame old heads. Greeks with children, god-children, nieces, nephews, and so on get a kick out of the child repping their org. That's fine...to a point.

It's cute letting your baby set owt your org when they're 7, but don't be surprised when they do the shit for so long that they act like they been crossed the sands when they turn 17*. 
*Fuck yo' legacy

Same thing with auxiliary orgs. Not all, but some BGLO members over auxiliary groups have those children feeling like stepping/party-hopping is the crux of greek life, and being the best stepper in their high school group is going to grant them easy access into the organization.

HELL NO. 

Don't get me wrong. I said I was going to be apart of my org EVERY DAY from the day Spr. 05 probated until I crossed...
In the mirror...
To myself.

Simply out of respect.

But hey....that's just me.

Batman Flow - per @MFWC1981

Listen baby, I'm your man and I love you. Ever since the first time we met I realized that we were meant to be together because I felt emotions around you I’ve NEVER felt around ANY woman at ANY time before. You are the first woman who made me consider how pointless my non-committal lifestyle was, but even more, you are the first woman who made me forget all my past heartbreaks and realize that I still wanted to feel what love is. You’ll never understand how hard it is for me to not feel your lips before I go to sleep and as I wake up – that kiss is the most sensual expression of my emotions but when the sex switch is flipped:

I just HAVE to beat that pussy up.

The sex switch is flipped just after we lock lips with closed eyes and we press them together softly yet firm enough to know we both meant that shit. The switch flips in both of our minds when we realize that neither of us is gonna pull away and it’s just at that moment that our brains realize we ain’t JUST kissing tonight, and our tongues instinctively find one another and we engulf each other in passion. Once that switch is flipped, my left hand is gonna go from gently cradling the back of your neck to firmly gripping the back of your head, and my right hand is gonna glide down the middle of your back and land right on your ass. You are gonna feel me gripping it hard because that’s MY way of letting you know:

Your ass is mine tonight.

Once that sex switch is flipped though, please understand you are not my beautiful, loving woman anymore – you're the sexiest person I've ever met and I’m bout to beat the brakes off that pussy. Once I flip that switch all I want to do is make you cum – all over. I want to feel your entire body shake as you scream cuss words I never even knew you knew. I want you so wet that you soak the entire bed. I want you to grit your teeth and cuss me out:

Every time you have another multiple.

I want you sweaty and horny but more than anything I flip the switch because I want you NASTY. All day we parade around under a veil of politeness and socially correct behavior. But once I'm alone with the one I love, I don’t want to be polite and nice anymore. I want to feel free - and nothing is more free than getting butt-ass-naked and FUCKING you in ways your pussy wasn’t even prepared for. I’m gonna start slow and deep, speed it up a little as I beat it up a little:

I want us to cum together – all over each other and fall down on the bed drenched in sweat.

Then I want to roll over, look you in the eyes, turn the sex switch off and lock lips softly with you again. My woman. The one I love. But the second you look up at me with even the slightest amount of lust in your eyes:

I’m turning the switch back on and I'm coming for your ass...

Champ
Cruisin' Thru Decatur

East-Side Tales - per @MFWC1981

I want to begin by thanking Danesha (@EDIBLU for you niggas on twitta) for this opportunity. I'm too damn lazy to start my own blog so I figured I'd leech off of hers and Pooh is doing what she does right now so I've got some extra time on my hands until she gets back. Oh, I'm  also too lazy to think up titles so I'm gonna use random B.o.B songs instead until I run out. I love reppin' the homies (In my Chris Rock voice).

I guess this is the part where I need to warn people that I have no filter. 
SO READER(s) BEWARE! 

So me and a mixed group of friends were having a discussion about cheating and reconciling, and we all came to the very obvious conclusion that men have a much harder time getting back into a relationship with a woman who has cheated on them, than women getting back with men who cheated. We floated many different theories around until my boy decided to shut the conversation down with a sentence straight from real-talk.com. He said:

“Let’s keep it real people, no dude wants to take a woman back that he THINKS was fucked by a nigga BIGGER & BETTER than him.”

He continued “The thought of some dude writing his name on parts of her pussy walls that you can’t even reach to erase is demoralizing as shit. Y’all gonna be sitting around 50 years from now in some nursing home, and she still gonna have to take pills every day it rains, because some nigga collapsed her womb decades ago...

Who wants that shit?"

We all paused to let the realness wash over us and to accept how truly pathetic yet accurate that statement was. From a man’s perspective I hate to admit that our ego’s are so entangled in something as insignificant as size and sexual performance but I realized that it’s not that far of a jump. Men WILL tie their self-worth in a relationship to how satisfied they believe their partner is in the bed, so it’s NOT a monumental stretch. But are men so insecure of said performance to let it be the determining factor in taking someone back?

Yep. We are.

Let’s be honest about something else while we are at it: A woman's disgust upon hearing her man cheated is about 40% due to the physical act, but 60% is about the distrust, disrespect and total disregard for the emotional and spiritual bond they are suppose to have as a fully committed couple. And very rarely do women think about the physical act in terms of “Damn did she deep throat him when I can only get half-way, and did she squirt for him when my 'tang is usually dryer than Tracey Morgan’s bottom lip?” She usually thinks:

"I need to get my ass to the clinic because if him and this dirty little heffa gave me something, I'ma KILL this nigga!”

But because the majority of her pain is emotional and psychological, she can find herself forgiving him through time and eventually taking him back because as her emotions swing back and forth, so does the balance of their relationship. With a man, it couldn’t be any more different because we INTERTWINE our emotions with the physical act itself. There ain’t no 40 or 60% with a man, it’s just 100:

"So this bitch just gonna let this nigga run up in her like that? FUCK HER!” *Sniffles with a quivering upper lip*

This is the same reason most men can’t handle a TRUE open relationship. We love the concept as it relates to how open WE can be, but a man’s ego will NOT allow him to handle the thought of his woman getting her walls stretched outta shape by some other dude. As insecure and ridiculous as it is, It’s understandable that a guy wouldn’t want to be looked at like the Cayman Islands Earthquake after the Haiti one.

Champ
Cruisin' Thru Decatur

Bitches Love Smiley Faces

Ladies,

Never trust a man that sends an inordinate amount of smiley faces in text messages if yall are not in a relationship. 

I am a firm believer that men who send excessive smiley faces during the initial "getting-to-know-you" phase are male whores...or at least embody male whore tendencies.

Full disclosure: I am a cynic.
However, I don't think that's important...but feel free to take this text with a grain of salt, if you wish.

Why Bitches* Love Smiley Faces:

*in this text, bitches refer to swarms of nameless, gullible, probably sweet (as well as equally desperate) women

Smiley faces (or text faces, period) play at women's emotions. The happier text faces, such as...

• :-)
• :-D
• :-* 
• :-P

...are most efficient. These are basically visual endorphins that prompt the release of serotonin - the happy hormone - and give bitches* the feeling that the guy is genuinely happy and cares.

True enough, he may very well be as nice and genuine as the one hunnit smiley faces he's sent you. But if yall are not in a relationship, then what makes you think YOU are the only woman he is SMSing these small gifts of happiness?

I've also heard countless women say things to the effect of "He sent me smiley faces; he really likes me." Apparently, I missed the moment in text evolution where the smiley face could be interpreted as "He really likes me."

I, too, have fell victim to wanting to believe it means something more so badly. It doesn't. The smiley face is nothing more than a once innocent text symbol that has been desecrated into a tool to woo a woman's panties off.

The winky face ;-)

The winky face is in a catergory of its own. I'm inclined to say that - depending on the context of the winky face - the men that send these have the most abundant whore tendencies.
It's saying "Wait until I see you again...It's. Going. Down." It REEKS sex! ...not that enjoying sex makes a man a whore...again, I just don't believe a man that isn't in a relationship is going to be monogomous with his winky faces.

If he sends you a winky face, he might as well have sent you a dick pic.

Well...maybe it's not that bad. But yes, tread softly.



Thank God I don't have an iPhone. (#TeamDroid) Otherwise, I could write a book on those emoticons. But I shall end it here for now.

Be blessed!

Every Good Man

I have several friends that come to me for relationship/end-of-relationship advice. Haven't quite figured out why, yet.

Somehow they all find me for end-of-relationship advice right around their depression stage of grief. In an effort to provide quality advice, I try to assess my friend's situation as well as his/her mindset...

These are my stories. *insert Law & Order sound clip here*

So many times, it seemed the reason the woman had trouble moving forward after a breakup (pending she is the breakup-ee) is because she saw the "potential" this man had or because this man was simply 

...a good man.

Welp ladies, 

every good man is not for every good woman 

and vice versa. It's an obvious and OVERLOOKED fact of life.

WHAT IN THE GOOD FUCK CONSTITUTES A "GOOD MAN/WOMAN" ANYWAY????

serious question. answer it.

project: ask a few female and male friends to list what makes a person look good on paper. even better, ask them to prioritize the list and then look at the drastic differences between sexes 

People say "good man/woman" as if these terms have universal definitions. 

They don't. It's based on your personal beliefs.

Even if this person you seek as a potential mate fits all of your criteria, there's the realistic chance of this person not fitting in your life.

Examples

You're celibate. Is he still considered a good man once you realize he's trying to wine & dine them draws off? (I mean seriously...what man doesn't have that as his ultimate goal?)

Aside: I've never been the type to say "niggas* ain't shit." But I'll tell anyone that most niggas' intentions aren't shit. In the nigga's defense, he typically only gets away with whatever you allow him to. 
*In this text, nigga is being used as a term for men in general...not all, just most.

You've experienced being cheated on before. Is he still considered a good man if he says he considers infidelity "the norm?"

You yearn for emotional connectedness (i.g. you're needy as hell). Is he still considered a good man if he's apathetic or is non-responsive towards your emotional needs? 

The answer is SURE! He can still be a good dude. Just not the good guy for you. 

Look at your resume of a good mate. If you're considered "good" by your own standards, then why waste time seeking the attention of one?

Don't get me wrong. I understand emotional attachments can be strong n shit. And I know what it's like to feel like options are limited as an educated, black woman. But it's just not worth it to pursue a man that doesn't complement you.

Men:
Everything stated above was as pertinent to you as it was to the women. However, I have two issues in particular with men:

Hubris
I have no idea WHY some negroes feel that they are the BEST MAN the woman they just broke up with ever had, will ever have, or can dream up.

Naw, cuh.

To pride yourself on being a good man is GREAT! - but there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. Sit yo'ass down thinking that you are the only man with your "credentials."

If you look at my resume, I am THE SHIT as far as I'm concerned. And I'm single as an and-one free throw.

The Blame Game
Other negroes will apply sole blame to the female for the relationship's demise. It humors me when my male friends say, "Her (insert character flaw here) is why she can't keep a man," about their exes. Umm....but you're single, too, homie.
Apparently, you can't keep a woman.

I honestly think some of you believe you're LESS single than your ex.


Yall in the same damn boat...
...or am I missing sumn?




Final thoughts: Don't waste energy on a "good" ex...especially if they aren't wasting theirs on you.
Be blessed!

Baby Pre-Req: Marriage or Money?

Question
What's really more important before deciding to bring a child into the world - being married or financially stable???

Think on it before you proceed.





Still thinking?





Now, why did you choose that answer over the other?





Done yet?





Okay.....my turn.



I want to yell "FINANCIALLY STABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" from the mountain tops, buuuuuttt.....I have reasons to think marriage would be more important as well.

Honestly....I must have some Gemini in me the way I split views on everything. CANCER FOR LIFE!!!!!! 69

MARRIAGE
I certainly see myself being married before I have a child. I consider myself Christian, so per my beliefs I should be married before procreating the good old fashioned way. However, if I lived as I should per my beliefs, I'd be a completely different person. I try to walk the straight and narrow, but it's more like I'm walking on a turnpike. Anyway, enough of my spiritual struggles. I could write a book on those.

I was raised in a two-parent home with loving, married parents (loving towards us anyway....as far as each other...it just depended on the day. Haha) It's a beautiful thing to have love coming from both parents. They weren't balling at all, but my sisters and I still had all of the essentials and a little more. However, it came at a price. All of us - parents and children - had to sacrifice different things occasionally because it was best for the whole.
Not knocking having to sacrifice at all.... Lessons were learned. Humility was taught. I turned out awesome. 

I'd just rather not go through those times from the mirrored side if I don't have to. #AndThenIKanyeShrug


MONEY
All the love in the world ain't buying diapers, formula, clothes, food, rent, etc... Romanticizing that "Just-the-two-of-us" feeling into thinking that we can get through anything is sweet n'shyt, but uh...I'd rather get through without the financial problems, at least.
Gotta backtrack for a second: I'm not saying I need to be RICH before having a child. I said FINANCIALLY STABLE. And what's financially stable to one person may be questionable to the next. It's SUBJECTIVE. My loose definition of financially stable would be to have at least a 3-month rainy day fund built up, a comfortable amount in savings, and a secure job/career that is constantly feeding my checking account before I bring a life into this world. (Not to mention having a house that I'm making steady payments on along with a dependable vehicle.) And yes...I know nothing is guaranteed to be a particular way forever. Anything could occur and wipe out all of my savings....but at least I tried!


THE BS HAPPY MEDIUM I COME UP WITH AT THE END TO LET YOU KNOW YOUR OPPOSING VIEW DOESN'T COMPLETELY SUCK

I think the key words in the question are "deciding" and "stable." 

• In this day and age, half (or more) pregnancies are unplanned. It's gotta be difficult to say what's more important once you see that plus sign on the stick.

• Stability is based on personal beliefs. Some people find stability in marriage. Others find stability in money. As long as you're stable somewhere is what's really important, I suppose.